Perfecting the Holidays
I have a friend who always seems to have it all together. For her, the holidays are exciting. She looks forward to stringing lights on her home, decorating the Christmas tree, shopping, planning parties, and having a house full of people.
Not only does her home look like a photo spread straight out of a magazine, but she loves the entire process.
To add to the story, she's a wife, a mother to four children, the CEO of her own company, the manager of the household, and does not hire outside help.
I'm exhausted thinking about all she does in a day. Now, add on holiday planning; I just want to take a nap.
The rest of us are in awe of her energy. I'll admit, it's easy to compare myself to her, and I don't mean favorably. At the same time, as much as I would love to have a home that looks photo-ready, that's just not my reality.
It's safe to say I will never have the house and landscaping that's covered in lights. Nor will I have an entryway that looks like a winter wonderland.
And yes, I'm super tempted to use my neighbor's well-decorated home as my Christmas card photo.
It's both idyllic and often unrealistic. But it doesn't stop there. How the holidays 'should' feel and the connections between family members are also ripe for comparison.
This is the time of 'shoulding all over ourselves.' You get caught up in the idea that things 'should' look a certain way or you 'should' be a certain way, and anything less is unacceptable.
Then it gets easier to give up, because why even try if you don't think you can measure up. There's some sort of fantasy we all have that our families will somehow morph into a Hallmark movie.
Where in the end, there's a kumbaya moment that forever changes our interactions.
It could happen, but probably not. More than likely, you'll show up and slip into those same family roles you know so well.
You know, the ones that create an eye roll and a feeling of not being understood or misrepresented.
Over time, it becomes a perfect spiral of expectation, reality, avoidance, and shame, resentment, or anger. Comparison and perfectionism can be a bitch on their own. When used together, their forces will leave you overtired and overwhelmed.
Seemingly, during the holidays, there's extra pressure to have it all together, to avoid negative judgment, and for some... to be perfect.
Unfortunately, perfectionism has an undercurrent of stress instead of enjoyment.
For example, Let's say you have this expectation of decorating the inside of your home for the holidays, complete with smiling and happy family members.
If it doesn't get done to perfection or a family member looks unimpressed, the holiday experience becomes one of stress and disappointment. You may even begin to think that the holiday is ruined.
Does this sound familiar? Wondering if you've become caught up in the cycle of comparison and perfecting the holidays?
The more often you answer yes to the statements below, the more likely you're stepping into perfectionism.
I place high demands on myself, and there's little room for excitement and enjoyment.
I don't really enjoy the process; instead, it's mostly stressful and overwhelming.
I have an idea in my head of what the holidays are supposed to look and feel like. If it doesn't look and feel that way, I get disappointed.
Sometimes I either procrastinate starting an activity or completing an activity if I don't think it will turn out perfectly. Then I'll beat myself up over the outcome (or rather lack of an outcome).
I don't ask for help because I don't trust other people can do it "correctly" or up to my standards.
Other people around me have commented on my increasing stress level during the holidays.
I worry that if it isn't perfect, then I will be judged as a failure.
If any of these sound familiar, there are solutions to guide you in simplifying the holiday experience and possibly decreasing your stress level.
Become aware of your tendencies and motives.
To find relief, you first need to understand why you're looking for it. Additionally, the act of being mindful can sometimes bring a hint of relief all on its own.
For this suggestion, think about what you're doing. Do you feel that you have to do something a certain way, or you may disappoint or be poorly judged by others?
Or do you enjoy what you're doing, and if it turns out great, it's no big deal if not because you're enjoying the experience anyway?
Explore the stories you're telling yourself.
Are you telling yourself the story that if you don't do everything to perfection, the holiday will be ruined? Check in and notice the thoughts and stories that are coming up for you.
Then, challenge that information. If your home doesn't look like a snapshot of a glossy magazine cover, will anyone really notice or care?
Also, what are you feeling when you have these thoughts and tell yourself these stories? Is the way you feel in alignment with how you want to feel this time of the year?
Try the good-enough approach.
This holiday season, try to enjoy the experience and create new stories. Take small steps toward good enough. For example, allow the kids to decorate the cookies that you put out for guests or take to a cookie swap.
Explore how it feels to be in the experience without being perfect. Spoiler alert: it will probably feel uncomfortable.
Look for the beauty in the experience of togetherness. Or maybe it was an experience of icing-covered walls and candied-covered floors that you will look back on and laugh about. Nonetheless, you're creating memories.
Ask for help
It may be time to reach out for help if the thought of the holidays is overwhelming and raises your stress level.
Lean on a trusted friend or speak to a licensed therapist if your feelings about the holidays seem unmanageable.
As I gaze at my beautifully decorated tree that cannot be straightened despite all attempts. I can attest that everything does not need to be perfect to enjoy the holiday season.
Take care
