Festive Family Feuds: A Survival Guide
Thanksgiving is synonymous with the act of gratitude.
You’re probably thinking, “Well, yeah, right. Thanks, Captain Obvious." And here’s why.
According to the National Museum of the American Indian, “In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln declared a national Thanksgiving in November to celebrate gratitude and unity amidst the turmoil of the Civil War.”
I have questions about the unity piece, but I suppose without mass media and social media, it was far easier to pretend that everyone was on board with the Civil War resolution. However, I do appreciate Lincoln’s hopefulness, albeit short-lived. However, the gratitude part of the equation has managed to seep its way into some family dinners and copious therapy articles.
I have written one such article with a slight twist and a funny story. Well, I suppose you can judge for yourself if you think the story’s funny. That story can be found here.
Instead of retelling another story about the how-tos of gratitude, let’s dive into those festive family feuds that flare up around the holidays.
You know, the ones that can start with a simple disapproving look or a phrase known to stoke the flames of a disagreement. I’ve found that most of these comments usually remind us of how we’re not measuring up, and mats are passive-aggressive.
Or maybe that’s my family of origin story. In case you’re unfamiliar with passive-aggressive communication, it appears harmless on the surface but has an undertone of aggression. They may show up as backhanded compliments or sarcastic or patronizing responses instead of discussing their true feelings head-on and in real-time.
For example, if you’re a few minutes late, “Thanks a lot for showing up. We’re so happy you could make it.” Or, after trying the dish you brought to dinner, “Oh, I see you tried a new recipe. Good for you for trying your best.”
On the surface, if this were a new way your family communicated with you, you’d probably brush it off as mom’s having a bad day. However, that’s usually not the case in most families. Typically, these are the same stories you hear on repeat. It's a stacking of events that leaves you feeling slightly off balance and like you don’t measure up.
It’s astounding how in a matter of seconds, you can transform from being an adult who’s worked on so much of your shit to a little kid pulled right back into your family’s roles, rules, and dynamics.
I read an article, which I cannot find now, that mentioned these repeated events as an allergen. Thank you, whoever you are. This is so spot on.
By definition, an allergen is a substance that causes an allergic reaction. Thanks, Merriam-Webster. Only instead of itching, you lash out with your words to soothe the irritant. It makes sense.
So, how do you handle situations when your grandmother casually asks you why you haven’t met a nice boy while sitting next to your date? Or you get the side-eye from your Aunt while grabbing seconds because, well, “You’re so handsome, and the holidays have a way of adding pounds. You know, at your age, it’s harder to lose it once you’ve gained it.”
My Top 5 - Survival Guide
Establish boundaries. I realize this is a total therapist thing to say right out of the gate. But in all fairness, you can sidestep so many jabs if you act on your boundaries. The unfortunate truth is that your relatives may not know how to treat you. Sure, common sense says to be nice or kind, but this is family. Therefore, you must let your grandmother know you’re thrilled with your date or how you want to be treated. If she continues, and in this case, it’s not dementia-related, kindly let her know you’re going to move if she isn’t able to drop the topic. Then, move away if she continues.
Look for the good. Take a moment to notice what’s enjoyable in the present moment. Maybe you just had a bite of the absolute best dessert, or maybe that one difficult relative who’s always at family functions couldn't make it.
Limit your time. If possible, don’t stay any longer than necessary or linger with a relative known for their ability to criticize with the ease of a hot knife slicing through cold butter. Ideally, you’d stay in a hotel to give yourself more space. Or it could also look like shortening your trip. If you’re hosting, place a start and end time on your gathering.
Seek out the connections. Okay, so you can’t have a meaningful conversation with your father without getting into an argument. But what about your niece, your cousin’s new boyfriend, or your favorite Aunt or uncle? If you have a small family, call a friend to see how their holiday is going.
Do something for yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be a morning yoga class or a run, reading a few pages of a book, or journaling- anything that reinstates a little bit of normalcy and routine you’re accustomed to.
Families have a way of pushing our buttons, and the togetherness of the holidays seems to create the optimal environment for festive feuds. Although we can’t make our families act in ways that bring us only comfort and joy, we can take a few measures to make the most of our time together.
As a reminder, even though I’m a therapist, the information in this article is not meant as therapy. If you have a complicated family and want support, I encourage you to contact a therapist in your area. If you’re reading this and located in South Carolina, I can help. You can learn more about me and book a session here.
**Thanks to my family for providing me with quotes I’ve actually heard at family holiday gatherings.
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling located in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. She empowers clients who overthink, worry, and experience their fair share of anxiety to become more rooted in peace, ease, and confidence. While also helping clients become more curious, compassionate, and clear so they can communicate more effectively to create better relationships with themselves and others.
