Don’t Talk to My Friend Like That
Sheila Tucker, writer, licensed marriage & family therapist, and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. Remembering warmer days. Sitting on the kayaks at Kayak Hilton Head on Broad Creek Marina.
I bet you didn’t wake up this morning thinking, “How can I be harder on myself today?”
I know I didn’t.
And yet, somewhere between the unanswered email, the skipped workout, the thing we said (or didn’t say), and the ever-growing mental to-do list, here you are. A flood of self-critical thoughts knocks you off your feet and sends your day into a tailspin.
This pesky inner critic, clearly devoid of compassion, bullies its way onto the scene, shoving self-kindness to the floor.
To anyone else, with eyes wide, you’d probably say, “Hey, don’t talk to my friend like that!” But since it’s you, you take the hit and keep going.
Sharon Salzberg, a world-renowned mindfulness, meditation, and loving-kindness teacher and New York Times best-selling author, detailed a conversation with the Dalai Lama in her blog, On Being.
He expressed unfamiliarity with the concepts of self-hatred or an intense inner critic. He was sincerely confused and repeatedly asked her to explain her question and the concept of the inner critic.
I can’t even imagine what that would be like.
No inner critic? What would I even think about? How would I boss myself around or punish myself? OK, that last question is tongue-in-cheek. And also, how?
Self-punishment is so commonplace that the idea of self-kindness or self-compassion seems foreign.
In case you’re wondering, self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards.
It’s about changing the tone of the conversation you’re already having with yourself. You all know how tone can influence a simple sentence with your partner. Think of how it could shift an entire conversation in your head.
When I discuss self-compassion, I’m often met with a deer-in-the-headlights stare, as if I just started speaking a different language. It makes sense. The idea is foreign to most, and the concept can seem vague.
Self-compassion is an active, steady practice of responding to yourself with the same care you’d offer someone you like when they’re struggling.
At its core, self-compassion includes three simple but powerful elements (according to research by Kristin Neff):
• Mindfulness: Noticing your pain without exaggerating it or pushing it away.
• Common humanity: Remembering you’re not alone. Struggle is part of being human.
• Kindness: Offering yourself warmth instead of judgment.
Let’s face it. If self-compassion came easily, more of us would be doing it.
You likely learned early on, explicitly or implicitly, that being hard on yourself was how you stayed safe, successful, or loved. The inner critic developed to manage and protect you, pushing you to do better, try harder, avoid mistakes, or keep the peace.
The problem is that, over time, chronic self-criticism doesn’t lead to growth.
Nope.
It leads to burnout, shame, anxiety, and a persistent sense of “never quite enough.”
That’s where infusing self-compassion comes into play. Weaving it into your day moment by moment, choice by choice.
Here are a few suggestions to begin.
1. Notice your inner tone, not just your thoughts
My suggestion might sound counterintuitive, but stay with me. Don’t try to “think positively.” Instead, start by listening and noticing.
Side note: Unlike me, you might not hear the voices in your head. You might have a feeling, bodily sense, or see images. Lean into noticing when you’re being self-critical.
Ask yourself: If someone else spoke to me this way, how would it feel?
Remember, tone matters. A lot.
Disclaimer: Critical thoughts will show up. You can’t stop them. You can soften your response to them. Even a simple internal shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “This is really uncomfortable” creates more space.
2. Practice the pause
Self-compassion often begins with a pause. In moments of stress, try placing a hand on your chest or taking one slow breath and silently saying:
“This is hard. I’m doing the best I can right now. I don’t have to solve everything right now (or ever).”
When you pause, you interrupt old patterns and send your nervous system the message that you’re OK – even if it doesn’t feel that way.
3. Replace self-judgment with curiosity
Judgment shuts conversations down. Curiosity opens them up. When you notice yourself spiraling into self-criticism, gently ask: “What’s really going on for me right now? What do I need in this moment?”
Think of curiosity as research and a chance to learn more about yourself.
4. Offer yourself the compassion you give others
I’m going to guess you’re incredibly compassionate to friends, partners, clients, children, and even strangers. The work is learning to turn that same energy inward.
It sounds cliché, and the next time you’re struggling, imagine what you’d say to someone you love in the same situation. Then – this is the important part: Say it to yourself without qualifiers or caveats (no “but”s allowed).
Self-compassion isn’t only about how you talk to yourself. It’s also about how you treat yourself.
It could look like taking a nap or resting, setting a boundary, or trying again tomorrow instead of pushing through today.
In any case, a helpful question to determine what you need is:
What would be the most supportive choice I could make right now?
If the idea of self-compassion feels unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, that’s OK. Start right where you are with small acts of imperfect self-kindness.
You’re not trying to get to self-compassion as if it’s some sort of destination where you’ll be liberated. It’s a relationship that deepens every time you choose to meet yourself with a little more kindness than yesterday.
Mindfully Yours,
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She empowers clients who overthink, worry, and experience their fair share of anxiety to become more rooted in peace, ease, and confidence. When not in the office, you'll find her walking her pups or planning her next mountain getaway with her husband.
*** If you like what you’re reading and you want more, you’re in luck.
I have an email list.
By subscribing, you’ll know when a blog goes live instead of checking back on repeat. You’ll also receive strategies and skills to manage anxiety and relationship issues.
And I’ll let you know when I’m holding workshops and retreats.
I promise no spam.
Only witty words to inspire, entertain, and educate so you can begin to experience a greater sense of well-being…from the comforts of…wherever you are.
Oh, and you can unsubscribe anytime, so there’s absolutely no downside.
