From 'Huh?' to Hero: The Impact of Active Listening
Sheila Tucker, LMFTS-C hanging out under a fig tree.
Photo Credit: MKAT
**This article originally appeared in the June issue of CH2/CB2 Magazine. Written by me, Sheila Tucker. You can find it here.
There it was, the dreaded ball spinning on my computer.
I went into panic mode. My body stiffened. I held my breath. Did I save my project? The one I'd spent so many hours creating and overthinking?
Then the dreaded response - no connection. Cut-off.
Noooo.
I hope I didn't lose everything I'd worked so hard on. Am I going to need to start over? Will there be anything left for me to work with?
I caught myself in a doom spiral. Instantly leaping to the worst-case scenario like an off-brand not-so-superhero. I have zero faith that Captain Oh-Crap-You're-Doomed will rescue me. But here I am.
I see a similar look of 'Oh no' when the partner of a couple says the dreaded phrase, "You're not here for me." Meanwhile, the other person looks around, mentally noting everything they've just done for their partner's sake.
You've just taken the cars in for oil changes, collected your grumpy child from their friend's home, and picked up takeout. You look at your partner like they have two heads, maybe even throw in a complimentary eye-roll, head shake, and a scoff.
Then ask, "What are you talking about? I did (lists all of the things you've done)." Your partner becomes angrier. "You just don't get me," they say. You become frustrated, telling yourself that you can't do enough or that nothing you do pleases them.
It's the spinning ball of doom. No connection. Feeling cut off from your partner. Not knowing how to make it all make sense.
You're confused. You don't understand how your partner could feel this way? You do so much. I mean, look at this list.
It probably comes as no surprise when I say strong relationships require good communication. To be clear, it's not stellar or perfect - it's simply good communication.
The quickest way to good communication?
It's listening.
Before you come at me, "All I ever do is listen and nod in agreement.", even if you have no clue what just happened. I'm talking about a more nuanced and active type of listening.
Let me explain.
You have no idea what just happened. Your partner's comment seems to come out of left field. To you, the situation is no big deal.
Zero urgency or pain. On the other hand, your partner is experiencing it as an 11 out of 10 with copious amounts of pain. In other words, it's a big freaking problem.
You're both right. I know it's confusing.
What do you do? You actively listen to understand instead of to respond. Here are a few tips.
Get curious and clarify. Are you sure you heard what your partner was saying? Not your assumptions - what you thought they said or the stories you made up about their tone or facial expression, but the actual words.
Try asking one or all of these questions for more clarity.
When you mentioned______, what are you actually saying?
What did you mean by ______?
Are you saying ________? Did I get that right?
2. Reflect what you hear them saying. No defensiveness. No correcting details. No doing it to make your partner stop. They will sniff out your lack of genuineness, and it will set you back.
Lead with, "Let me see if I understand what you're saying....."
3. Infuse some empathy. There's always some emotion holding up what your partner is saying. Sometimes, it's super obvious—other times, not so much. Even if you think you know their underlying emotion, make an effort to know for sure.
Here are a few ways the conversation can go using the above scenario: Your partner says you don't get me. You never get me.
Not helpful: I did all these things (lists the things). I don't know what you want me to do. Whatever I do isn't good enough for you.
This comment can come across as defensive and attacking. Mostly, it doesn't bring you closer to understanding.
Better: I'm so sorry. You must be incredibly frustrated with me.
This comment calls out the perceived frustration. However, it could go deeper.
Best: It seems like I'm missing the mark. It must be really lonely to feel like you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't get you.
In this response, you're holding yourself accountable (whether you agree or not) and calling out the perceived loneliness your partner may be experiencing.
4. Nonverbal cues. When you thought finding the right words was hard, enter how you show up to the conversation.
Nonverbal cues are things like facial expressions or how you hold your body. Here are a few ways to hone in on your nonverbal presence to show your partner you're there for them.
Sit or stand facing your partner.
Slightly lean in.
Keep a relaxed posture (shoulders away from your ears and maybe uncrossing your arms).
Look at your partner (not your phone, the television, the dog. or anything else).
5. Ask open-ended questions. Not only will this help you remain engaged, but it also takes the conversation deeper. Using the scenario above, here's a suggestion.
What's it like when you feel I don't just don't get you? Using your partner's answer, you can ask another open-ended question.
Disagreements and communication snafus within a relationship are inevitable. However, missteps aren't the enemy; it's how you handle them.
According to Esther Perel, a leading expert on relationships and sexuality,
"Behind every criticism is a veiled wish."
Active listening helps you to understand the wish.
For the sake of transparency, active listening isn't easy (especially when emotions are heightened), and it isn't a one-and-done process. It takes time, a lot of do-overs, and consistency.
It's about keeping your eye on the prize.
When you and your partner experience being seen, heard, and understood, your communication will improve, your relationship will grow stronger, and you'll feel reassured that a spinning ball of doom doesn't need to lead to a tragic loss of connection.
Mindfully yours,
Sheila
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She empowers clients who overthink, worry, and experience their fair share of anxiety to become more rooted in peace, ease, and confidence. When not in the office, you'll find her walking her pups or planning her next mountain getaway with her husband.
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